As of late, it seems that the hip thing to do in the Contemporary Pagan world is to leave it or complain about those who do. Now, before everyone gets off on a tizzy about Teo Bishop let me say, I read his blog and I found his reasons of leaving Paganism behind to be both insightful and earnest. He walked his path and followed it where it led him. Who am I to judge. Especially during the last year I’ve been forced to reexamine my own relationship to magic, spirituality, and the Divine.
Don’t worry I’m not about to run off and start a tent revival….
Returning to South Florida has been a lot. In the realm of positives; I’m married to a wonderful woman who fills me with a sense of satisfaction so pure I feel that no other experience can compare, I’ve returned to teaching, the career I’m built for. There is nothing like driving to work every morning eager to engage with my students. They make it impossible to take oneself to seriously, a perfect mirror to my own trickster nature. Also I’ve reconnected with many old friends. We’ve picked up after 4 years like no time has passed. Except, it has…
I’m not the guy who left Florida 5 five years ago. I won’t wax poetic about all the changes I’ve made. I will say that, it’s been a challenge on a few levels. One of the things have had to face in the last year has been the profound sense of disconnection from the Divine. Old rituals and practices no longer hold that spark. I continue to offer Heka (spoke prayer offerings), my time, and tend a shrine mainly out of respect and habit. In fact, outside of a few very powerful episodes, I’ve not heard a word. Not voicemail, no forwarding address, silence. A profound, deep, silence. An awful silence. It’s been a long year.
No before everyone starts shouting out possible causes for this predicament let me offer a few things up:
– I’ve not violated any geas, taboo, Kapu, or oath.
– I’ve not actively offended any deity.
– I’ve not inadvertently offended any deity ( I’ve researched this and for those of you who know how I research this means a whopping fuck ton of footnotes here)
– I’ve not purposely tried to end up in this position.
– I’ve often wondered if this shift ha something to do with my relocation, yet I can’t actually state what makes me think this.
This silence doesn’t include a lack of magic mind you. My practices have changed, emerging from a few panicked months of struggling to find something that worked something that held my attention. I returned to old foundational work, explored new avenues, and even tried a few things that were utter failures in the past. While this effort has been rewarding, on an academic and mentally stimulating manner it all lead to nothing in the end. Nothing works. You heard that right, nothing works just fine. In fact it is through the act of nothing that I’ve grown the most. It’s been a great deal of doing without doing around here. It seems that by letting things take their own course and acting in accordance with the nature of my goal I’ve managed to accomplish a great deal both magically and mundane. I’m not going to complain about the results, but it does feel a bit off in a way.
So here I am, trying to figure this situation out. I’m not ready to jump on the “I’m no longer a Pagan” bandwagon, I’m still in awe of all manner of natural systems and phenomenon. I still honor and respect those Deities I’ve worked with for years….I just wonder why they don’t return my calls.